[DarthJoe8]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

[DarthJoe8]

For my next trick I'll need a condom and a volunteer...

[DarthJoe8]

A cute little 8 year old girl walks into a pet store clutching a wrinkled 20 dollar bill.


"Excuse me, sir," she says softly, "but I'd like a bunny and this is all I've got."


The owner takes one look at her big blue eyes and blonde curls and his heart melts. Even though he normally charges more, he says, "Dear, you can pick any one you'd like. Brown with floppy ears, white with pointy ears, big, small, which one will it be?"


The girl looks at him and says, "I don't think my pet python gives a ****."

[DarthJoe8]

My friend told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked him how he can tell them apart. He said her brother has a mustache.....

[knox4121]

Here is a spoof of the recent miami attack, it is pretty crude but oddly hysterical

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=in5WbgNhCbU

[paultagonist]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jesus.
Jesus who?
Jesus fucking christ, open the door!

[jaddychickenfleshypickin]

thought this might be a good idea, everyone could say their best worst joke, the cheesiest one you can think of,
here's mine:

There are two crisps walking down the side of the road. A car pulls up next to them and starts a conversation with the two crisps. Looking at the long road ahead, the driver of the car offers the two crisps a ride in his car. The crisps respond "No thanks, we're Walkers"

badumcha

[DarthJoe8]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[UNDEAD FRED]

Q. What will be the most popular food in England durning the zombie apocalypse?


A. Flesh n Chips