[Victor Clark]

I got a good one:

A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and asks "Do you have any crackers?" The bartender replies with "No", and the duck walks out. The next night, the duck comes back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any crackers?" The bartender says "No", and the duck walks out of the bar again. This goes on every night for about a week or so, and one night, when the duck asks the bartender if he has any crackers, the irritated bartender yells "If you ask me one more friggin' time if I have any crackers, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" The duck walks out of the bar once again, like usual. The next night, the duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says "Why the hell would I have any nails!?" The duck says "Okay, do you have any crackers?"

[dead and loving it]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their children. You all have obsessions, he stated. To the 1st mother, he says, "you are obsessed with eating, you've named your child Candy." To the 2nd mom he says,"you have a problem with money, hence, you've named your child Penny." 3rd mom,"you've got a drinking problem, your child's name is Brandy". The 4th mom quietly got up, took her child by the hand and whispered,"come on Dick, we are leaving."

[beyerwrestler]

:lol::lol: i had to put this one. I think its awesome but be warned it is kinda dirty:roll:


A man walks in a bar and a little man is sitting next to him. The little man asked if he had a family and how old he was. The man told him he was 29 and had a wife and two kids.

The little man says "I'am a Leprechaun, and if you left me F#$@ you in the butt I will grant you three wishes".

They go to the bathroom and the Leprechaun starts to F@$# him in the butt.

When almost finished the Leprechaun says, "You did say you had a family right?"

Than man replies, "Yes I'm29 and have a wife and two kids"

The Leprechaun says, "Well aren't you a little bit old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

[DarthJoe8]

:lol: Great jokes everyone, i've been sharing them with my co-workers!! Keep-em coming....:clap:

:drinking:

[beyerwrestler]

:lol:Ok i got 3 more i just heard today:lol:

1. How are women and tornados alike?

They moan like hell when they come, and take the house when the leave.


2. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


3. There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

:lol::lol::lol: ill try to find more:lol::lol:

:clap:

[DarthJoe8]

FIRST TIME SEX ............



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist'

:drinking:

[Victor Clark]

Sorry if it's a tad long

The world's most handsome man truly believes that he was only put on this Earth to make a beautiful baby, so he constantly tried to search for a woman who could match his beauty in order for it to be perfect. Unfortunately, he always saw an imperfection with every woman he saw. But on one day, he met this old man who claimed to have had the 3 most beautiful women in the world, so he looked to see for himself. He dated the oldest of the 3 first, and afterwards he told the old man that she was just barely, barely getting crow's feet, but the old man didn't seem to mind. He then dated the youngest of the 3, but told the old man that that girl was just barely, barely getting chapped lips. Again, the old man didn't mind. He then dated the final woman, and saw her as the most perfect one he could ever find. After dating her, he told her of his plan, and she agreed to have a baby with him. About 8 and a half months later, she gave birth to one of the ugliest babies that he had ever seen in his life! He went to the old man and asked how this could be possible. The old man looked at him and said "Well, you may have not noticed, but she was just barely, barely, BARELY a little pregnant before you met her."

[beyerwrestler]

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when youve had better.
4:A good beer doesnt try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put youre mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.:lol:

[ZomBoognish]

A pedophile and a 8 year old walk in to a dark forest. The 8 year old says, " I am scared." The pedophile looks at the child and says,"Your scared! I have to walk out of here alone."

[beyerwrestler]

There was a male and a female whale swimming through the ocean. They were starving and hadn’t eaten in days.
So the male says to the female, "I have an idea! We’ll find one of those big ships, I’ll go on one side and you go on the other. We’ll blow water onto the ship and sink it. As the men jump off......whala, dinner!"
So she agrees, and they find themselves a ship. As planned, she goes on one side of the ship and him on the other. They begin to blow water onto the ship. As he explained, the men started jumping overboard. He went around eatting them up and looks over and sees her just watching. He swims over and asks, "What are you doing? Why aren’t you eatting?"
And she says,"I told you before! I dont mind a good blow job every once in awhile, but I draw the line at swallowing seaman!"

[beyerwrestler]

Fellow goes to his doctor.
Fellow says to the doctor....I don’t know whats wrong with my sex life
Doctor says....What seems to be the problem
Fellow replies.....I don’t know, maybe I don’t have the right knack
Doctor examines fellow and says....I have news for you , you don’t have
the left one either.:lol:

[dead and loving it]

A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[Victor Clark]

A man and his wife are eating at a nice resteraunt for dinner one night with their friends. Halfway through dinner, the woman wispers to her husband, "Honey, I just made a silent fart, what do I do?" The shocked husband says, "Dear, I think you're going deaf."

3 women: a red-head, a brunette, and a blonde, are all on death row, and they're all scheduled to be killed by a firing squad on the same day. The red-head is the first one up, and just before the the group is about to pull the trigger, the woman points behind the group and screams "TORNADO!", and runs off while they look behind. The brunette is up next, and before they had the chance to shoot her, she looks behind them and yells "EARTHQUAKE!", and runs off when they looked behind. Then the blonde is placed in the firing range. All of the shooters are placed with their guns aimed. And when their fingers are placed on the triggers, she pointed and yelled "FIRE!"

This one is a little more vulgar, just to be warned:
A vampire walks into a bar, and says to the bartender "I want a glass of hot water please." The bartender gives him the glass, and the vampire pulls out a used tampon. The bartendar sees it and says "What the hell are you doing?" The vampire says, "What? I'm just making some tea!"

[beyerwrestler]

I was walking down the street when I saw this fat chick with a pig under her arms. So I went up and asked "Whered you get that?" and the pig answered "I won er' in a raffel"

[dead and loving it]

Q: What do you call Barack Obama, John McCain, and Dolly Parton?
A: A pair of big boobs and a singer.

[beyerwrestler]

dead and loving it said:

Q: What do you call Barack Obama, John McCain, and Dolly Parton?
A: A pair of big boobs and a singer.

:lol: bringin in the political jokes:lol:

My friends mom told this joke when we were all in santa cruz.

What are 3 two letter words for small?

Is It In:doh:

[DarthJoe8]

While walking through the park with his father, a young boy happened to
notice two dogs in the act. "What are they doing daddy?" The father replied, "They are making puppies, son."
Some time later, the lad awoke from a bad dream and went to his parents room. When he entered, he exclaimed "Daddy! Why are you on
top of Mommy!"
Wanting to be honest, but brief, his father said: "Your mother and I are
trying to make you a baby brother or sister"
The youngster said, "Well flip over momma, I want a puppy!"

:drinking:

[ERiKDude]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a big red truck?


I don't have a big red truck hanging in my garage

[Dagnammit]

Apparently this is the oldest English-language joke in existence. It's believed to be Anglo-Saxon:


What's long, hangs at a man's thigh and aches to poke the hole it's poked many times before.








A key :lol: