Short Story, please make suggestions!!!

[Bob]

I'm posting this for a friend of mine that lurks like crazy here, so please let him know what you think! It's still rough, and hasn't been properly edited as yet, so please excuse the spelling and grammar.


The television was illuminating the room, engulfing it with it's images. On the screen, pictures of horror and devastation. Then there's just a head talking at you with all of it behind you, everything thrown in your face. On the screen he's telling us to stay inside and keep alert. We might be inside but it's practically a cage, and the only thing we are paying attention to is the news. It's strange, because even in a time like this we can still watch television. We've been sitting here hours and all we know is that we're doomed. We have ducttape around the windows and the doors boarded shut, so I figure we're fine. Well, it's better than being outside anyways.

"The infected have been known to stand in place for hours for no reason at all", the television buzzes. "This span of time is important to the Elimination Core an-"

The channel is changed. That could've been important. Sitting in the middle is the bearer of the remote control, Ralph. I've known him for years. Brad is on the other side of the couch, he used to be my neighbor and we've been in touch since. Our so-called "survival sqaud" is in shambles. None of us know where our parents are, they've been missing for days. I think we can all accept that they are infected, but won't. In this situation we should've went to people with guns and bomb shelters, but instead we decided to just go over to a friend's house. What a mistake that was. On day one we met up and chose Rondey's house, but then he got infected, and for all we know he could still be out in the yard. In just a week we've lost our parents, our friends. None of us could contact family the last time the phones were working.

The television continued "All three counties have been confined, and the Elimination Core will soon sweep through and rid them of the infected, but until then they warn residents of those counties to stay indoors, they cannot stress this enough. If loved ones have been infected do not remain with them. If possible rid yourself of them in any way possible, and as soon as possible. Staying with them just increases your chances of becoming one of them."

"What a load," Ralph muttered, clearing his voice and sitting up "God, why can't they just get in there and help us now?"

Brad and I were still relaxed against the couch. "If we go to the county line and they don't let me out they're gonna get cussed at." He continued. "Freakin' army guys got AK-47's and they don't even use 'em. We really need one right about now."

Brad sat up. "Dude, they won't let us out. If we stay here though they'll come get us, they have weapons and stuff."

"No," Ralph remarked "They won't because they've been sayin' that since Sunday and it's Wednesday and we still don't got any help. This is retarded, if somebody don't come soon I will leave."

I decided to sit up. "Actually, it's Thursday." I said.

"Pssh, figures, they ain't ever comin'." He pitched back at me.

"They are comin'," Brad said with confidence "My brother's probably in the Core. I bet they're just teachin' 'em how to handle the infected."

In the backround I was still listening to the television. On it was our president, and a reporter had just asked him about foreign concern with how he was handeling the infection crisis. "Well, I do appreciate the, uh, the foreign beliefs, we appreciate it as a nation to be critisized, but, I belive there are a, is a line, excuse me, between critisism, and" then he awkwardly looked down at a sheet of paper "v-vituperative comments."

"Way to dodge a question."

I didn't notice Ralph was watching too. Brad had slouched back against the couch and was uninterestinly looking at the floor. On the television all you could hear was shouting from the press. They were interested in turning this into another phony political issue. I glanced over at the clock, and saw fifteen to ten. In a couple of minutes they'll run the "Preparation Film", the same one they've been showing since the outbreak. It's a short informational reel about the virus, the infection, and how the infected behave. It's for all those people who are still save, for everybody who has a chance. If it continues to spread who knows what'll happen.

I saw Brad sitting up in the corner of my eye. "I'm goin' to bed, I got enough of 'You're all going to die' on T.V. and with Ralph."

Ralph seconded Brad and they moved into their spots. We all slept in the living room. I had the couch, Brad the floor next to the television, and Ralph slept in front of the door on a matress, we drew straws to come about this arrangement. I guess I was just lucky. Brad always fell asleep first, and Ralph did too after complaing to me for a while. Me, I stayed up an hour, two or three after they fell asleep. Since all this infection nonsense started I've been thinking really hard for long ammounts of time. Just about everything. Life, survival, and I was always wondering what happened to my family. In the back of my head I was desperately hoping that they would come and rescue me, one of these nights where I stay up. These issues aside, I still made time for television. For the past three days I haven't missed the "Preparation Film". I just find it fascinating, I suppose.

9:58, and it's on. On the screen the program begins with a warning about graphic scenes. A man in his fifties, a newscaster, is sitting in front of the camera on a barren set.

"Hello, and good evening. I'm Brock Jensen, and this a special report." The word "Preparation" appear on the screen, surrounded by black following a quick hauntingly orchestral melody. The screen returns to the narrator. "It's shocking to think about, to even imagine, but the worst possible virus, the one many scientists say could whipe out the human race, is on its move. It's currently in two counties in Illinois, and some believe if it gets the the Mississippi river it will spread to the rest of the world." It used to be two counties, now it's three. Already spreading, I hadn't realized how fast. The camera changes angles and now behind him is a screen showing an infected man.

[zombiekilling101]

yeah dude keep going. i wanted more already.

[Bob]

(Continued from below)

"This is one of the government farmed infection subjects. His name is James Romero, and is formerly of the United States Coast Gaurd, he volunteered for this. So far no cure has been found, and sources say the best way to prevent spreading it immeadiate elimination of all infected persons. Some of the characteristics of the virus in the first two hours are hysteria, mood changes, pale skin, rapid drop in body tempurature and loss of motor functions. Of the three test subjects the longest it took for the virus to fully inhabit itself was two and a half hours, although it has been said that it could take less than five minutes under certain circumstances."

A sweeping network logo "After the commerical break: We'll talk to national secretary of defense Garret Corvelay." I retired from my sitting position and layed down, pushing my head against the arm rest of the couch. It was in tangles because I hadn't took a bath in days. Brad had the idea that we should store water in the tub incase the water gets turned off, which was his only good idea. It's really strange, this program. It tells you about how a super-virus may whipe humanity off of the face of the planet, and then it goes to a commercial break to sell you french fries.

I really wonder what it would be like to be one of those guys, one of those test subjects. You're in the Coast Gaurd personel office, and you're in the waiting room. You flip through a couple of magizines, trying to be patient. You can't wait to see your wife and kids. Suddenly you're pulled into a back office, questioned, stripped and imprisoned. Days later they come in and force you down, they administer a mystery drug on you and leave the room without a word. Then you die, you're dead. They send your wife a letter, and she reads it crying, and it says you were killed in action. A couple of nights later you're on national news with a fake name, and all anyone sees is the shell of your body shumbling around in a prison cell. They hear about the tests they're doing on you and then they just expect everyone to believe you were a volunteer.

Oh, I missed it. The program is back on, already interviewing the defense secretary. "-everything we can. We'll always be doing everything we can. This threat is just like the flu or terrorists or even Hitler. We can make it through this, we have the strongest military on Earth."

Back to the interviewer. "Mr. Corvelay, as you know there has already been international discrepancies towards your policy on handeling this, what do you have to say about those nations who doubt your plans?"

"Well," he said, almost shrugging, "those nations, uh, France, Canada, um... China, even, they just don't know how to handle a crisis like this. If you try to listen to everyone at once your head will start to spin, okay? So we're going to just ease through this one. We're going to stick to the plan."

"Alright," the interviewer said, leaning over and looking at a blue notecard. "Could you outline your plan for us?"

"Absolutely, Brock." he said, shifting her weight and pausing. After a couple of seconds of silence it looked like the interviewer was about to say something but then the offical awkwardly proceeded, but he did it in an improvised manner. I couldn't possibly believe he didn't expect the question. "The current plan... is to, it's to contain it. To contain the virus. We are doing that with some success. There are, in some, well, most cases in bordering counties, and ... states, there have been riots... but there has been evacuation drills, and ... services. We really hope that we can find a cure before we send in, uh..." he turned to an assisstant and they exchanged whispers. "... More terminal forces."

At that moment it appeared the interviewer was going to ask another question, but it was cut. Now it was back to the barren set with the newscaster standing in front of the camera. Though it was grim, this was my favorite part. Yeah, I have a favorite part of a film about possible viral holocaust.

[Bob]

(Part 3)

At that moment it appeared the interviewer was going to ask another question, but it was cut. Now it was back to the barren set with the newscaster standing in front of the camera. Though it was grim, this was my favorite part. Yes, I have a favorite part of a film about possible viral holocaust. "Now I will let virus expect Dr. Pegg describe the infection and how it spreads." He turns to the moniter behind him where an obviously taped video of the doctor explaining the virus is shown.

"Thank you, Brock. Let me delve right into this. The virus spreads through fluid exchange, which can be caused from anything from a bite to open wounds. What this virus does, is it moves into the victim's cerebral cortex. It infects the brain and slowly takes over all of the functions controlled by it. After effectively 'killing' the infected person it slowly tests each function of the brain, until it gains complete control of the body. Now, we know that the virus cannot control vocal chords correctly, this is why all infected persons moan, or deeply grunt. In fact, the virus isn't that good at controlling the body at all, and infected persons, infected shells, as they are, are often clumbsy and slow. They cannot climb, they can't run, and they certainly cannot use weapons. But they are still a great threat because of the way the virus spreads.

They bite. They are flesh-eaters. We... do not know why they feed on human flesh, and ignore animal meat, but we do know that the shell cannot digest it. So you may see very bloated zo-... infected persons because of this. Their digestive system lets the flesh gather and sit, usually it is forced out after a large ammount is absorbed. There have been rumors that fire is the weapon of choice against these antagonists, but that is not true. Although it is reccomended you burn destroyed 'shells' for safety, fire is actually a horrible weapon because after the infected person is set aflame he will continue to walk around for several minutes before the brain is destroyed. This brings me to another point, they do not feel. If there is an infected person you used to know... they will not recognize you. They don't care about you, all they care about is feeding. You should treat them the same way you treat all shells, you destroy them. They do not feel pain either, because the nerves usually die within a couple hours without blood flow.

You must know how to destroy them. It's a simple matter of ... destroying the brain, or... eliminating the brain/spinal cord connection. Once this is complete the corpse is still very dangerous, so do not pick at it. It's, it's ... just like that thing your mother always told you. The Wasp may be dead, but the threat lives on. You can still get stung, or in this case, contract a deadly disease.

Now, for a common question, how did this all start? It's the result from decades of genetic engineering. Monsanto, GM, all these companies that will screw with the laws of nature for a profit. Back when genetic research started people warned them about this, they told them that a virus could evolve based on human DNA. After generations of abuse they are finally regretting it. But when, if, ... when we get out of this, they'll keep going. There's no stopping them.. That corn crop in Illinois just happened to be the first, but how long would it have been without it? A couple of years? A decade? It had to happen sometime. Wh-"

What's that? It's far away, high-pitched... the phone! Pushing myself up, almost tripping over Brad, running to the kitchen. I half-slip and rip the phone off the wall, clenching my ear against the reciever. I can feel my heart beating like it's about to fly out of my chest, and the anticipation, it's deadly. I almost felt the screaming.

"Hello-" a woman's voice rang into my ear.

"Mom?!" I hopelessly screamed into the phone. I didn't care, I wanted Brad and Ralph to wake up. I wanted to see my parents. I couldn't wait until we met up, I couldn't wait. It would be just like normal, and we could face the world together. I would feel at home again...

"Resident of Alton, this is the Elimination Core auto-dialer, I am programmed to dial every number in your area. I have important news to deliver. The Elimination Core has effecti-"

I dropped the phone against the counter, and fell to the wall. It wasn't my Mom, it wasn't even a person. I fell asleep that night leaning up against the wall. That night I didn't even think, I didn't even try to think about the situation. I just slept. It was dreamless. I felt cold and empty and far away from emotion. One thing I do remember thinking, is regret about decisions so far. Going over to freind's house instead of trying to get out of town. Just standing there while Rodney was being killed. And even before that, things back in the real world. I need to change. I need to get motivated, and I need to do it now. If I make it out of this, God... I'll be a better person. I'll take risks. I'll, I'll have a pure heat... I... I've done enough of being the coward. I've done enough of just standing around. Enough of not trying. Things have to clear up, I'll make them.

[Lee]

Indepth critiques are what I do....*grin*.....

Then there's just a head talking at you with all of it behind you, everything thrown in your face.

Watch the personage changes....avoid using "you", perhaps change it to "us" - otherwise you end up jumping from first to second person which is a bit confusing.

I think we can all accept that they are infected, but won't.

This would probably read better along the lines of "We should accept that they are infected, but we won't".

I didn't notice Ralph was watching too. Brad had slouched back against the couch and was uninterestinly looking at the floor.

disinterested, not uninterested.

Life, survival, and I was always wondering what happened to my family. In the back of my head I was desperately hoping that they would come and rescue me, one of these nights where I stay up. These issues aside, I still made time for television. For the past three days I haven't missed the "Preparation Film". I just find it fascinating, I suppose.

Watch the tense changes....you're going from past to present tense....

The word "Preparation" appear on the screen, surrounded by black following a quick hauntingly orchestral melody. The screen returns to the narrator.

Take the "ly" off haunting, and that's a really nice set up paragraph.

"It's shocking to think about, to even imagine, but the worst possible virus, the one many scientists say could whipe out the human race, is on its move. It's currently in two counties in Illinois, and some believe if it gets the the Mississippi river it will spread to the rest of the world."

Your formal official dialogue is really good, too.

So, a couple of grammatical and spelling issues, but it's a good premise and moving along quite well, which is always the secret. Grammar can be fixed, along as the story is good! Nice job.

[magusmachine]

Decided to register an account. I have a bit more done, although I haven't worked on it for almost a week. >_>

Anyways, tell me what you think of this next part.

----
"Hey man, get up."

"Ralph, it's off da hook."

"What?"

"Uh, I mean the phone, it's off the hook, you know, on the counter."

"It doesn't have a dial tone."

"Is he gettin' up?"

"Hold on, I'll hit 'em."

I woke up with a buzz in my head, I felt like crap after spending seven hours sleeping against a wall on the cold kitchen floor. "... What, watch it, don't, don't get me up like that." I groaned as I slowly pushed myself up off the wall. Rubbing my hair, still very tangled. Today I plan to tell Brad to empty the bathtub, because I need a bath.

"Were you on the phone?" Ralph asks me as I'm still standing there, dazed.

"Yeah, I uh, it had a recording or something." I said, whiping my eyes. "How long have you guys been up letting me lay here?"

"Recording of what? Like, trying to sell stuff?" Brad asks sitting on the counter.

"No, like, from the Corp, I think." I said, still ajusting to being awake. "..Wait, why would people still be trying to sell stuff?"

"What'd they say? Are they comin' here?" Ralph asks me in a frantic tone.

"No, no, uh... actually... well, I don't know."

"What?!" Ralph in Brad say in unison. An air of anger comes about almost immeadiately.

Ralph turns around and stomps the ground, cursing. "What do you mean you don't know?! Are you freakin' retarded?! Can you hear?!" He screams at me.

"Hey, listen, I didn't find out... it cut off, the phone went dead." I say, lying to calm him down.

Ralph looked even more angry. There were tears in his eyes and he clenched his fists tightly. Brad sighed and pushed off the counter, exiting the kitchen. "This sucks. Today sucks, today is crap," Ralph says, staring angrily at the floor. "I can't believe this crap!" I wanted to calm him down but I decided to let him wear himself down. I went to talk to Brad. Walking through the living room it was unusally quiet, the television was off and the atmosphere was odd. I decided I would tell Brad that I'm taking a bath. I figure the water won't go out within a ten minute time span, so it should be fine.

"I'm taking a bath, okay? So I'm empying your little water reserve." I said flatly, sort of trying to annoy him with the smirk on my face.

"You ain't."

"What, are you going to stop me?" I said, kidding.

"Nah man, it's like, the water is off, the T.V. is dead, so we need that water." Brad said, not looking up at me. I should've guessed, bad news happens to come all at once. Before I didn't even realize he was sitting on couch with a depressed look on his face. He looked troubled, but I had always known him to be the most careless of my freinds. The shock is reality hitting.

"Well," I began, sitting on the couch next to him, but in an upright position "How are we holding up with f-"

"We're out of food!" Ralph yells from the kitchen, answering my question "We just got bolonga!"

Brad and I both say "Ewww", and then chuckle. From now on it looks like joy will come in small doses. Ralph walks in and sits in between Brad and I, leaning his head against the wall and looking up at the cealing. For a minute it was quiet, but I think we all were thinking about what to do. We're out of supplies, except for a package of bolonga and some three-day old water, but it hasn't really hit. Nothing has really phased us. We're a couple of high school students, we don't get phased. None of us really think in a realistic manner, we're all stuck in fantasy world.

We're kids. We don't know anything about the real world. We never imagined corpses would be stumbling around outside, we never even imagined we'd be without food. We don't look ahead, all we do is complain about the present. We sit around telling eachother about how bad we have it and we don't realize that in a couple of days it could turn into something much worse. It's forced blame, we force the blame on anything but ourselves. Right now we're blaming the Elimination Corp, but only because I lied to them, otherwise Ralph and Brad would be blaming me. We'll blame our dearest freinds before we see our own short-comings. We'll even avoid blaming the actual problem. That's why we're still here. If we just accepted blame we might've tried to get to a safer spot. But no, we have to prove ourselves to eachother, because if we die on the way we would have to blame ourself, and we just can't have that.

"Well, uh..." Brad said, sighing "I have an uncle, he's lives across the river. He has a bomb shelter and a couple of hunting rifles." Brad picks his head up off his hands and looks around for approval, affirming my theory that he would need the group's approval to rest the blame on incase anything happened. I just shrugged, because to me it sounded like a far-off plan. Ralph took a deep breath.

"That's a long walk, man." He says, still looking at the cealing "But it's better than sittin' around here waitin' to starve. Way better."

I became interested. "So, you guys think we should do this? ... It'd be a couple of miles, we'd have to take the alleys and stuff."

Brad was more confident now. "Yeah, yeah. We can do it. We're old enough to do this crap. We're strong enough, we arn't stupid."

"Alright." Ralph says, keeping his eyes on the cealing. "Let's find some weapons."

Next thing I know we're removing the boards blocking the back door. Ralph is holding a iron four-way tire tool of some kind, Brad has a hunting bow and arrow, and I have a steel baseball bat. If we're lucky this will be quick and easy, we'll be able to quickly move through the alleys and across the bridge in no time. Then again there's downtown, which will be swarming with the infected. Ralph has some driving experience, so maybe we can jack a car for that part. I'm probably thinking too far ahead, but I don't want something unexpected happening, I'm tired of that.

"Wait a minute," Ralph turns to Brad and me, still holding onto the door lock "Wouldn't Rodney still be out there?"

I hadn't even considered that. We haven't seen him in days, so he might've wondered off. I hate the way he died, I really do, but he's gone, he's one of them. If he gets in our way we'll have to take care of him. It's sad to think of a friend that way, just as a obstacle. I remember when it happened, Rodney had gathered us all up. Without him we probably wouldn't be alive. We were walking into the yard, but there was a man standing there, in front of the door. Back then, a couple of days ago, it used to be odd to see one of them. There used to not be so many. I sometimes wonder if this could've been avoided through swift action, but I guess we'll never know. Even then there was panic. Brad's mother had left him at his house while she went for food, so at first he wouldn't budge. She told him this was the apocalypse, and that all good people will live through it. He believed that by leaving his home he would be held guilty to disobeying his mother, and thus killed. Truth is, without us he'd of been dead in hours.

Maybe Rodney would've still been alive. I know I shouldn't place guilt, I really shouldn't, but when it happened I was filled with rage. I hated Brad for what he did, but I know he was just afraid. He later told us he thought the infected man was there for him, to punish him. We tried to run past him, but there couldn't have been five feet to the door, so he got one of us. He got Rodney. He had him by the shoulders and kept snapping his jaw at him, trying to sink his teeth into his neck. It was all happening too fast. I remember Brad, he got through the door, but he didn't leave it open. He left us out there, and he didn't even try to help. Rodney might've lived if one of us were able to get a weapon from inside. The corpse bit into Rodney, and fell on top of him. Ralph was able to knock the man away from him for a second, but then we saw he was already dead. We almost had to knock the door down to get Brad to open it. Now we had to depend on him for survival, and I'm not sure I can do it.

[Bob]

*Eyes the Melbournian suspiciously*

[warior 13]

"We're out of supplies, except for a package of bolonga and some three-day old water,"

Water has been here forever, so technically it's 4 billion year old water. Maybe change it to

"We're out of supplies, except for a package of bolonga and a bathtub full of luke-warm water."

same sense of lack of quality supplies, just technically correct.

It's a really good story though, make it longer and turn it into a novel and get it published, I'd buy it for sure.

[Lee]

*Eyes the Melbournian suspiciously*

He he....technically I'm a Sydney-sider....or a Brisbanite....(I've only been in Melbourne for a few months) - take your pick - which is less offensive? ROFL.....

[Bob]

He he....technically I'm a Sydney-sider....or a Brisbanite....(I've only been in Melbourne for a few months) - take your pick - which is less offensive? ROFL.....

Sydney-sider by far. I'm a RL fanatic, so if you're a maroon it's only going to upset me ;)

I'm one to talk though. I'm not a Tasmanian. We're actually called Taswegians...

[Lee]

Taswegian hey? That makes me want to sing beatles songs for some, undefineable reason.....

MWAH HA HA.....I was born in Sydney, but I grew up in Brisbane....which makes me a ..... BRONCOS SUPPORTER!!!!!! Although I haven't watched football in years....especially since my partner and his family are St George fans....I find its safer to avoid the whole football thing.....

[Bob]

Taswegian hey? That makes me want to sing beatles songs for some, undefineable reason.....

MWAH HA HA.....I was born in Sydney, but I grew up in Brisbane....which makes me a ..... BRONCOS SUPPORTER!!!!!! Although I haven't watched football in years....especially since my partner and his family are St George fans....I find its safer to avoid the whole football thing.....

Normally I'd be offended by your choice of team myself, but as a lifelong Doggies supporter I'm just going to sit here with a smug look on my face...

[DEAD-KNIGHT]

DEAD-KNIGHT=TAMPA BAY supporter... please don't hit me...

[Bob]

DEAD-KNIGHT=TAMPA BAY supporter... please don't hit me...

Wrong code...

We're discussing Rugby League. In a bizarre turn of events we played the US international side recently, and we were down 24-6 at half time! I was astounded that the American team played so well. Granted we were jetlagged and just beat England in the tri-nations final a mere three days earlier, and did come pack to win 36-24, but still, it was pretty amazing.